


The Very Secret Diaries of Elio Perlman

by thatoldbroad



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017)
Genre: Crack, M/M, Unreliable Narrator
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-06
Updated: 2018-11-06
Packaged: 2019-08-19 19:52:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16541099
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatoldbroad/pseuds/thatoldbroad
Summary: What it says on the tin. Follows the movie and its vague timeline.





	The Very Secret Diaries of Elio Perlman

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ghostcat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ghostcat/gifts).



**Day 1 (Morning)**  
Tall American arrived today. Made me carry his luggage to his bedroom—confused me for the help. Idiot. I hate him.

 **Day 1 (Evening)**  
Tried to wake Tall American for dinner. Said he needed sleep. _Go make excuses to your Mama._ Then he dismissed me. _Later._ What’s _later_? More proof he has no manners. Must be from New Jersey.

 

 **Day 2 (Morning)**  
New Jersey did not teach Tall American how to crack a soft boiled egg. Tiny thing was crushed under his big, meaty paw. Clumsy oaf. Offered to show him around. Unlike him, I was raised properly.

 **Day 2 (Mid-Afternoon)**  
Noticed Tall American’s thick thighs while biking to town. Asked him if they were naturally like that or if he did lunges. He stared at me like I had grown a second head. What? Then he left me at the cafe where we had afternoon drinks. _Later._ I despise him.

 **Day 2 (Late Afternoon)**  
Tall American passed Papa’s annual linguistics test. (He likes to haze the interns.) Tall American has a brain. Good for him. It distracts from his bad manners—he’ll need that.

 

 **Day 6**  
Went to a gambling place that reeked of old men and cigarettes. Tall American told me to keep it secret. What am I, his rabbi? But I said nothing to Mama and Papa.

 

 **Day 10 (Early Afternoon)**  
Tall American gave me an impromptu back rub at volleyball today. Pervert. Made my nipples go hard, though.

 **Day 10 (Late Afternoon)**  
I shaved.

 **Day 10 (Evening)**  
Mama and Papa disagree that Tall American is rude. _He’s shy._ Mama and Papa are poor judges of character. Still hate him.

 

 **Day 16**  
Was in the middle of daily morning wank when Tall American barged in yelling about swimming at the river. New Jersey did not teach Tall American how to knock. He touched my hand that touched my penis. Kicked him out and finished wank. Came hard.

 **Day 16 (After Wank)**  
Caught a glimpse of Tall American’s naked ass in the bathroom. Not bad: fat and round. Still hate him.

 

 **Day 20**  
Tall American very nosy. Always asking: _what are you thinking?_ Who am I, Socrates? Blame New Jersey. Also, New Jersey did not teach Tall American how to pick fruit. Peach must have no green patches, duh.

 

 **Day 23**  
Tall American also very demanding. Insisted I play the piano for him. So I did: Liszt’s version of Bach, then Busoni’s version of Liszt’s version of Bach, then Bach’s version of Bach. I am a genius.

 

 **Day 27**  
Interrupted from a nap by Tall American. Wanted my opinion on something he wrote. See last entry: very demanding. But he called me kind, after. Hate him a little less.

 

 **Day 30**  
Tall American is fucking Chiara. That whore. Exhibitionist. Grinding against her at the party, pretending it was just a slow dance. Fuck him. I’ll fuck Marzia instead. (Don’t know why I wrote instead. Ignore that.) She smells good and I like her breasts.

 

 **Day 31**  
At breakfast, I announced that I almost had sex with Marzia. Minor failure at execution. Tall American told me, unsolicited: _try again later_. I will! (And he still doesn’t know how to crack a soft boiled egg, so ha! I win.)

 **Day 31 (After Breakfast)**  
Chiara came by looking for Tall American. She was waddling. (They fucked; I know it.) I told her she looked pretty. I lied.

 **Day 31 (After Chiara Left)**  
Encouraged Tall American to keep boning Chiara. What do I care. But Tall American became irate. (Cute.)

 **Day 31 (Afternoon)**  
At Sirmione, Papa’s colleagues showed off their new archeological find. Got caught up in the excitement and made peace with Tall American. Suspect it will be temporary.

 

 **Day 35**  
Got curious and rubbed my face in Tall American’s swim trunks. Normal, right? Smelled briny. Not bad.

 

 **Day 39**  
Tall American got Super Serious after I told him about the story about the knight who Would Not Speak and chose to Die instead of confessing his love for the princess. Weird.

 **Day 39 (Afternoon)**  
Biked to town with Tall American to do errands. Had nothing better to do. At the Battle of Piave statue, I said to him: “If you only knew how little I know about the things that matter.” What did I mean? Nothing! I was babbling. But the conversation took a turn, and later I took him to the berm—my spot. My secret place. We kissed! I touched his cock. Big. Very big. Left me with strange craving to put it in my ass.

 **Day 39 (Late Afternoon)**  
Suddenly got nosebleed after lunch while eating gelato. So embarrassing. Oliver (Tall American) came after me. We sat for a while. He kissed my smelly foot. I think I like him.

 **Day 39 (Night)**  
Tall American still not back. He left after my nosebleed. Traitor! He’s probably fucking Chiara right now. Slut.

 **Day 39 (Night)**  
Finally, he’s returned. (Traitor, traitor, traitor.)

 

 **Day 40**  
Took Marzia on a date. We had sex. WOW.

 

 **Day 41**  
Tall American not talking to me. I don’t care.

 

 **Day 42**  
Still not talking to me. Still don’t care.

 

 **Day 43**  
Silence is poetic. A mystery so sublime.

 

 **Day 45**  
Left note under Tall American’s bedroom door: stop being a dick.

 **Day 45 (Afternoon)**  
Tall American responded: stop being a drama queen. _Meet me at midnight._ Not excited. At all.

 **Day 45 (Late Afternoon)**  
Marzia came over. Ate pussy. Messy. I liked it.

 **Day 45 (Evening)**  
A gay couple came for dinner. Wondered which was the man and which the woman.

 **Day 45 (After Midnight)**  
I am Oliver’s woman. (And Oliver is Elio, and Elio is Oliver.  _Oliver Oliver Oliver. Elio Elio Elio.)_

 

 **Day 46 (Morning)**  
Butt hurts. Rethinking last night. Asshole may not be intended for fucking, after all.

 **Day 46 (Morning)**  
But a mouth is.

 **Day 46 (Afternoon)**  
So is a peach.

 **Day 46 (Night)**  
So is an asshole: my turn.

 

 **Day 47 (Night)**  
Oliver is not from New Jersey. And he never fucked Chiara. He told me, finally. Also, that he likes me. And I like him.

 **Day 47 (Night)**  
Love him?

 

 **Day 48**  
Marzia and I broke up. Forgot we were dating. Oops.

 

 **Day 53**  
Mama and Papa agreed that I can go to Rome with Oliver. VERY EXCITED.

 

 **Day 54**  
Pretended to get motion sickness during the bus ride. Oliver pretended to be worried. He rubbed my temples. And my belly, a little.

 **Day 54 (Afternoon)**  
Pretended to faint on the way up to the waterfall. Oliver caught me before I hit the ground. (Close call, though. Nearly split my head on a rock. His reflexes need work.) Made sense, then, to fuck.

 

 **Day 55**  
Drank too much. Vomited in a fountain. Oliver kissed me after. Gross. But sweet.

 

 **Day 59 (Middle of the Night)**  
I woke to find Oliver staring at me. He stroked my cheek. I asked him: _don’t you want to sleep?_ He said: _later_.

 

 **Day 60**  
Later.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by Cassandra Claire's original fic series (though, sadly, not as brilliantly cracky). Search for them here! And the plethora of other equally hilarious fics that followed in its footsteps. I recommend, as a start: Jay Tryfanstone and who_la_hoop.


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